A multitude of Epiphanies

You know, sometimes the simplest solution never ever crosses my mind. That is why God gave me wonderful parents. I have been low, really low lately. It is interesting how one day you are fine and the next day you aren't so fine anymore and it really seems like the world is coming to an end. It is bizarre, crazy and frustrating as hell. Depression runs in my family so I just assume that I am depressed, but after being on medication for a while now it still hasn't seemed to help, as much as I'd hoped anyway.

Completely discouraged I ran away from home. =) ha ha. I did, I told Zack I was going to my parents with OUT kids for an overnight. It was not a threat, it was more of a cry for help. Driving over there I could not see how I was any good to anyone, and dwelt on how incredibly exhausted I was. Mentally, Physically, Emotionally, just as tired as I think any one person can get. I wasn't sure Parent's home was the answer as I was looking for more solitude, but this turned out to be the right choice, at the right time. Thank HEAVENS!

Friday night, I had the opportunity to ask my Father for a Priesthood blessing, a Father's blessing. The Priesthood is the power of God given to man. You cannot buy it, or get paid for it. You are given it as you make covenants with the Lord to do His will and follow His commandments. YOu also have to live righteaously for it to work. Thankfully my Dad is a worthy priesthood holder. He also has the right to feel inspiration for his family (aka me). So before he was going to give me a blessing he asked what I was hoping to recieve from it.

I would've liked a SHAZAMMM! THis is your problem, THIS is how you fix it! and so on. It wasn't far off the mark. But as usual, I was blessed to search for myself the answers to my dilemas. I was also blessed to have discernment, to know the true desires of my heart, to have an increased love for my husband and children, to be grateful for all that I do have (which is quite a lot).

There was also a point where my Father rebuked satan and his servants. And I don't know how else to explain it, but I felt at that moment a presence leave me and felt lighter immediately. And it almost felt like shackles had been removed from my wrists, and I can still feel it now as if my wrists are actually lighter. It was odd, it was creepy and SUCH a relief. I know Satan is real, but I didn't know how badly he could affect/effect someone who was striving to do the right things. I had not given one thought to, oh, maybe this is Satan and not just me being selfish and miserable. Quite frankly I was relieved that it wasn't just me. But wow, I didn't know my eyes were closed so tightly shut that I didn't even think about that possibility.

So that was a major epiphany for me. As was what I learned by talking with my parents the night before the blessing. I got to gush out all my complaints, and frustrations, then My Dad said many things to help put perspective on my life. One of my favorites was, that having four children is HARD and may be all I can have on my plate, that I should subtract and not add to it. In the back of my mind I am always thinking, why can't I do this right? Who else can I help? Does so and so need a dinner brought in? Should my kids be playing sports, learning to play an instrument, doing scouts, playdates? Why am I not enjoying this? Who said motherhood is rewarding?

I need to do Mary Kay, I need to make Tutus, I need to cook like Julia Child (which I don't) I need to have a clean home for my husband (which I don't) I need to not scream at my children (which I do frequently) I need to be more organized, I need to pay the bills, I need to exercise, I need to make friends, I need to play with my kids.

"I need to" "I need to", is a real killer when the "I Need to's" are never met. So hearing from Dad, that it is hard, and that is ok. Felt great. (insert: Amy had just mentioned this to me, but I was so down that I don't think it was able to seep into me)

So I am a Mother of 4 is enough! Let me insert here that I do not work for "pleasure" per say. I do sell MK for my own use and because I have fabulous clients. I work making tutus and hairbows, not because I love the type of work (which I do) but, I do it because of debt I have incurred. If there was an example of being a slave to debt, this is it. Having debt robs the soul, and we are trying to get out of it as quickly as possible. IF you can't afford it now, do not buy it.

Another Epiphany with every bit of importance, was learning what "turn the other cheek" means. I have always thought it meant to let people do what they want. To simply be sweet and take more. However, this is NOT the case. It means, if someone decides to do something to you, you have control over your reaction or response. If someone punches me, they would expect a punch back, simply by not punching back frees me from being a slave to someone else's actions. savvy? For another examply, with my children, they fight scream and yell, so I in return scream at them. Who is in control of who? I need to remember that my children are that, children, and that I need to be in control of myself, and in doing so I will feel much less anger, frustration and stress, knowing that 18 mo old, 5 yr old, 8 yr. old and almost 10 yr. old aren't dictating me ALL day long every day. Well, it makes sense to me, so I suppose I win. =)

Dad touched on one more topic. Saying NO. =) Yes, I totally have a problem with this. I want to be well liked, and I want to help everyone, and have them all be happy as clams. But being a mother of 4 means that I should be doing this for my family more often than for friends or strangers. This is definately something I need to work on. That and the ability to not feel guilty after saying no and stewing over it for days. =)

So much to process, so much to search, so much to change, so much so much. I had to write it down and since no one probably reads this anymore due to my lack of writing in it, I found this the perfect avenue. And maybe, just maybe someone else can have an easier go of it, because of something I've experienced.

2 cents: medication can and does work, but you have to be careful, if you do not have a chemical imbalance it can make things worse, and if you do have an imbalance, but don't seek help it can make things worse, it's kind of a catch 22 and honestly so darn exhausting in trying to sort it all out. I'm so grateful for the power of prayer, the power of the Priesthood, for righteous parents, and for a forgiving, loving God. Tomorrow is another day.